"Don't Tell Him What to Do..."

I've seen Grey's Anatomy in full about 3 times over the years. I like rewatching shows after time and growth elapses because I get something different from them each time.

This last time I noticed something I never paid attention to before and it stuck with me. I'll try to tell this for those who've never seen the show.

Cristina Yang and Owen Hunt are two characters who are in a serious, intense, and passionate relationship.

And.

Owen has PTSD from being a war veteran.

His PTSD harmed Cristina early on. He had a flashback in his sleep while laying next to her in bed and she woke up to Owen, asleep, with his hands around her throat, choking her.

Cristina understood and forgave him immediately. Owen got help, and they moved on from this. There was no more physical violence in their relationship.

But later in the story, his symptoms are flaring up again and Cristina is, of course, worried, even though he's not actively harming her or being violent toward her. She can tell he's been triggered and PTSD triggers aren't just momentary things.

She spends a lot of energy trying to get Owen to go back to treatment. Get some help. To take care of himself. To step back from work and focus more on recovering his symptoms.

She can tell he's not okay but Owen avoids and refuses. He doesn't want to be told what to do, and I get that.

PTSD happens when we feel out of control, not just of the situation but of ourselves. We can't help how crippling the impact can feel.

He needs to believe he's fine. That he's got it under control and nothing is wrong. And if nothing terrible has happened (yet), there's no reason for him to believe otherwise. On paper, he does have it under control.

But Cristina also experienced a trauma and her body understands all too well that this is a fire she'd prefer not to play with. She was traumatized too. She needs some power in her circumstance, too.

It's not until Cristina's talking to her mentor - and Owen's best friend - Teddy, that something changes.

Teddy says, simply, "Cristina, don't tell him what to do. Tell him how you feel."

Cristina goes home that night and there's an accident while Owen is cooking. He gets upset over burned food and slams a pan into the sink.

As he turns back to Cristina, she startles and pulls away from him.

You can see Owen's eyes open, like he's seeing her for the first time since the fog of his symptoms took over.

"You're scared of me?"

She pauses before replying, "I don't want to be."

And without any further encouragement, pushing, protesting, or pleading...

All on his own, Owen says, "I have to go back to Dr. Wyatt."

Every single one of us will navigate our relationships the way Cristina did. We will tell our people what to do. Over and over, and feel varying levels of desperation and defeat when they insist on handling things their way.

They're not hearing us. They're not seeing us.

And we're not allowing them to.

It happens.

But the writers of Grey's aren't wrong.

There is a certain magic that happens when we stop telling the people who care about us what to do, and just start telling them how we feel.

Start letting them see us. And let them make their own decisions with what they see.

People who care about you will care about how you feel. They'll try to show up for that. They'll want you to feel safe, at minimum.

Practice remembering this.

Rooting for You,

Tori