How Self-Trust Grows in the Cracks of Imperfection
I’ve been playing piano since I was 4 years old.
I'm 36 as I write this.
As you can imagine, I’m pretty confident at piano. Meaning I trust myself with the instrument.
But that confidence doesn’t come from being perfect. I’m a casual player. Perpetually "rusty" and anti-practice, I mess up all the time because I play for fun now, and have been for years.
The confidence hasn't faded.
But to be clear, even when I did perform, I wasn't hyper critical of myself then either.
I was still trusting. Still confident. As laid back as I was passionate about spilling my guts on the keys.
That confidence doesn’t - nor has it ever - come from never hitting a wrong note.
It comes from knowing I’ll still love myself when I do.
From knowing I’ll mess up and keep going without beating myself up.
From trusting that I can support myself in adapting and recovering.
I'm just going to learn from the mistake, which might be frustrating and take a few tries, but it's ultimately no big deal.
That same energy is where we'll find a sense of confidence for literally anything in life.
Relationships. Work. Socializing. Play. Healing. Growth and Development. Leadership. Finances. Business.
Everything.
The fix for perfectionistic thinking is correcting the flaw in the logic of “if I never make a mistake, then I can finally trust myself.”
You're trying to avoid mistakes because you don't trust yourself to be able to handle them to begin with, love.
That is where your work is. In your opportunity to practice embodying a different truth.
Your opportunity to not only be able to handle it when you make a mistake, but love yourself through it. Completely transforming your relationship with the concept of flaws and mistakes to begin with.
That's what I'm here to help you with, today.
Let’s be real, if confidence was about perfection nobody would have any confidence at all.
No one would trust themselves at all.
There's no real rulebook to life. The world is burning. We're all fucking this shit up, all the time. The math on that is clear.
We are all making mistakes, whether we like to admit it or not.
Yet some people are confident, and others aren't. Hm. Curious.
So confidence isn't about avoiding mistakes, then.
Because even the most confident people make just as many mistakes - if not more than - people who lack confidence.
The difference between confident people and people who struggle with it, then, seems to be what happens after the mistake is made.
How confident and insecure people respond to mistakes is very different.
When you make a mess of something, do you jump on a shame train to punish yourself?
Do you tell yourself a story about being “stupid,” “incompetent,” or “unworthy”?
Or do you pause? Reflect? Take accountability and learn?
Do you get curious about what you can do differently?
Do you notice you're not dying. Seriously, not dismissively. Do you let your nervous system know that you're safe?
This mistake, just like all the others you've made, hasn't killed you.
Nor has any one mistake you've made single-handedly ruined a relationship or opportunity that was truly meant for you.
Because in these things, relationships, people, jobs and opportunities that are truly meant for you...
Trust is built in all of these things by successfully working through our mistakes. Not avoiding them.
What I mean is, mistakes don’t break self-trust. They don't have the power to.
Again, if they did, none of us would have any trust at all. The math doesn't math there.
Mistakes are actually opportunities to build self-trust by showing up and being supportive of ourselves in those vulnerable moments.
Yes, vulnerable moments.
Mistakes can feel embarrassing for all of us. They can make us feel guilty - all of us. Including confident people. And it can be frustrating when we repeat the mistake more than once. Again, for all of us, including confident people.
And all of this adds up to vulnerability because when we feel embarrassed, or guilty, or frustrated over a repeated mistake - we're also feeling the possibility of rejection if we don't get it together.
But when someone doesn't reject us. When they lean in and love us in moments of vulnerability, that's when we grow to trust them. Isn't it?
Think about it. You do something embarrassing in front of your date for the first time and they find it endearing. How soothing is that?
You make a mistake for the umteenth time and your best friend is genuinely confused why you're beating yourself up about this and reminding you of all the reasons to please, give yourself some compassion. Doesn't a part of you notice and feel grateful that they're not rejecting you the way you are?
That's trust-building stuff.
Confidence, self-trust, is when we take this energy inward.
How we show up for ourselves after the mistake is what makes or breaks self-trust.
Think about it.
If someone else makes a mistake that any of us could make. Like they forget to call when they said they would or they say something that hurts your feelings by accident...
And they apologize and take genuine accountability (a vulnerable move)...
Do they get to retain your trust?
Chances are, if the repair is genuine, and you want to trust this person, they totally can. Yeah? Trust is restored. We believe in second chances. Sometimes two or three.
We give people room to grow. To learn from their mistakes. We love them through it.
The trust was built in the repair. In the act of being loving in a vulnerable gift of a moment that the mistake gave us.
So if trust with others is built through repair—not perfection—then trust with yourself works the same way.
Repeat after me:
Confidence isn't the absence of mistakes.
Confidence is the presence of love when a mistake or flaw enters the room.
The Practice
When you hit a wrong note, breathe deeply and practice being a best friend to yourself. A best friend that sounds like this:
- I still love you bb. We made a mistake that literally a million other people are making right now. It's okay.
- You can repair and learn from this, and you will.
- The fact that you want to get this right and are taking accountability says way more about you than the mistake does. You see that, right?
- We don't need to dwell on it. Learning from it is enough.
- And I know you're going to learn from this. I trust you. It's okay.
- Now, what's the lesson? What're we going to do differently next time?
Related reading for if this sounds way too hard right now:
Tori Reid
Extra Pro Tips
Start paying attention to people you believe to be confident - not to be confused with arrogant.
The key difference is that confident people don't need to put others down to build themselves up.
They're simply comfortable in their own skin. They can usually laugh at themselves and admit their flaws while still taking risks and admitting their wins and strengths just the same.
They don't speak poorly of themselves or anyone else and they don't have much to prove.
They're secure. Comfortable, not over the top.
Pay attention to how people like this treat themselves when they make a mistake. Even when they struggle at first, pay attention to their recovery and full process. If you're feeling froggy get curious and ask them: what steps do you take when you make a mistake?
Furthermore:
Find comfort in those around you who approach you with grace and compassion when you make a mistake. Believe them, with your whole body. Embody the belief that the way they're treating you is true and trustworthy.
And take a leaf out of their book to believe yourself when you practice showing yourself the same grace and compassion.
It’s in those moments of repair, not shame, that confidence begins to grow.
That you begin to trust yourself.
Because none of that is about being flawless.
It's about getting comfortable with the reality that you are, after all, a human being.
No more, no less. And that's okay.
Rooting for you every damn day,
Tori
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