On Being Known
My clients usually have a charming & funny reaction to feeling seen.
We'll call it the "therapy squirm" (where I originally discovered it, because I myself was the one squirming lol).
They joke or cringe or literally squirm in their seats when I make an observation some part of them hates to see coming.
It's endearing. It's sweet. But it's also true that a lot of the time, it's because they're uncomfortable feeling seen.
A lot of us are. But it's what we want, anyway. Why do we want something that makes us so uncomfortable?
Because there's a fine line between being seen and feeling exposed.
And for a lot of people, being known doesn’t feel safe. It feels like a setup.
There’s a reason for that.
If your caregivers never asked how you felt, what you believed, what mattered to you...
If they didn't ask how you experienced something, or worse, punished you for having the audacity to assume it mattered...
Then chances are you've grown into an adult who feels deeply uncomfortable with the experience of feeling seen. Feeling known.
Even if you weren’t punished for it, the message was clear: your experience doesn’t matter. Knowing you isn’t apart of this equation. Nobody cares.
Being known didn’t lead to connection. It didn’t lead to care.
It led to silence & being ignored. Or shame. Or danger.
I was in this boat and I'll speak for myself (but I don't think I'm alone) and say:
Even if a part of me wants to be known, another part will shut it down.
I'd deflect, perform, disappear, or brush it off.
I'd put up walls. The walls would work. Then I'd be pissed that I was apparently so affective at this dance of keeping people out.
Because of course that meant I ended up feeling isolated and misunderstood. Not safe. Not protected.
Just alone.
It’s painful.
If you carry this fear and are playing out this loop, your fear isn’t unfounded.
It's true. Some people shouldn't get the access to know you. To see you.
It's true. Some people will have a dangerous response or treat you like it doesn't matter.
It's true.
But it's also true that some people will receive you.
I find my clients astonishingly easy to receive. To accept and to understand and to relate to.
Most people are. Chances are, you are, too.
Most people in your environment might not be in the work of receiving. But that doesn't mean you're not receivable.
There's a difference.
A lot of people aren't in the work of receiving. That has nothing to do with you.
So all in all, I'm with you. The work isn’t to throw yourself open to everyone.
The work is to learn how to identify the ones who are safe. People who are in the work of being present. Being understanding. Holding space and supporting people.
The kind of people who will recognize and attune to your vulnerability. Who won't be critical of it, throw it back in your face later, or use it against you.
People who have solid boundaries and know how to express them lovingly when they don't have capacity to hold the space you're asking for. But make a point to circle back.
People who will meet you with love when you show up.
People who are in the work of receiving their people.
Our work is to find the right people who can receive you. And learn how to open up slowly. At a pace that won't overwhelm your nervous system, or theirs.
Maybe it's not about sharing all, right now. Maybe it's about sharing some.
And after you share some, it's about noticing how they respond to it. Don't brush that under the rug. Take it in. You've shown them some of who you are. Now they're showing you.
Some people won't make it past that point. But others will, because being known doesn’t have to mean being harmed. It doesn’t have to mean rejection, or shame, or loss.
It can mean being supported, understood. It can be the gateway to feeling loved.
But only if we let ourselves practice. With the right people. At the right pace.
Rooting for You,
Tori
P.S. There's obviously a huge level of Self Trust work involved here. Trusting yourself to discern who's safe, how safe they are, how much feels safe to share, when, and how.
If you struggle with self trust, doors are open on my 12 week program but spots are limited. Check it out below.
Tori Reid
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