Why Good People Cheat (and What to Do About It)

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Some people glorify cheating and are assholes. Some people refuse to acknowledge how harmful infidelity is. This article has nothing to do with those people.

We love to frame cheating as a willpower issue. A moral character flaw. That theory hasn’t helped much. Infidelity rates are rising. Especially among women.

So what if cheating isn’t about willpower or morals at all? What if it’s about survival. Maybe even survival of the spirit?

I know that sounds strange, but stay with me.

A recent conversation made me realize I’ve never written about this here. That changes now.

And let me be clear: this isn’t a black-and-white morality rant.

Cheating is harmful. Being cheated on is traumatic. Betrayal from the person closest to you can bring out rage, abandonment, humiliation, shame.

It makes the person being cheated on ask: “Was I not good enough?” “What did I do wrong?” Even though that decision wasn’t theirs. It was their partner’s. Alone.

I’m assuming we all agree cheating is harmful. That’s not the debate.

We’re here because knowing it’s harmful hasn’t stopped it. Even people who don’t want to cheat still find themselves doing it anyway.

So let’s take a different approach. One that trades shame for real accountability.

This is a conversation about how we stop the harm.

Stopping the harm means we need to look at why people cheat, and what both people can do to protect the relationship from it (or heal after it happens).

This isn’t outsider commentary.

I cheated before I even graduated high school. I’d been cheated on, too. By 22, I’d learned about emotional infidelity and built a (very effective) protocol that helped me stop cheating altogether. But even after I stopped cheating, I got cheated on again.

I was in pain. I got arrogant. I went through a phase where I vilified cheaters as morally bankrupt. I became that person yelling "If you want to cheat, just leave!" at anyone who mentioned even considering it as an option.

And while there’s truth in that… I've learned since that it's truly not always that simple. And oversimplifying problems is a big part of why we struggle to effectively solve them.

Over the years I've come to a different place. Through experience, training, and reflection I've learned more about trauma, psychology. Why people do the oftentimes harmful shit we do and how to prevent it from happening again.

And now?

Now, I hold a more balanced view. One that doesn’t excuse cheating, but doesn’t vilify the people doing the cheating, either. Like most cases: shame just makes the problem worse.

What actually helps? Genuine accountability. Balanced, appropriate responsibility. Skill. And genuine repair.

I want us to live in a world where we understand infidelity happens, but instead of spiraling in rage and shame about it, we know how to respond. We know how to heal from it and we know how to prevent it.

So to me, this conversation isn't about who's deserving of what. Who's right and who's wrong. Who do we coddle and who do we punish.

This is a conversation about unmet needs, real responsibility, and the skills needed for secure partnership.

Why? Because I believe relationships can survive cheating. I believe some can even thrive afterward, by taking an albeit narrow, but real, path.

Even better? I believe we can stop infidelity before it starts by catching the signs early and working through them.

But it takes self-awareness, patience, and skill. From both parties.

It takes both being willing to own their shit - without shaming, without denial, without blame.

This is counter-culture to what a lot of us are used to. Our work is cut out for us. 🙂

Let’s dig in.

First, the Protocol

When I was a teen, I was a habitual cheater. I'm sure it had something to do with relational trauma, but more than that I was genuinely young and dumb. But eventually I saw how painful cheating is and decided "never again".

Yes, I followed the basic advice: “If you want to cheat, just leave," but I also created a set of personal rules to live by.

These rules were about staying accountable to the impact I have on others. I saw how much it hurt people. I didn’t want to cause that again.

And I was honest with myself: I was capable of cheating. I'll never be able to say I'm not capable of that again - even though I haven't since I was like 20 (I'm 37 now).

Which brings us right to rule #1 on the "How to Not Cheat Protocol".

Rule #1: Be fucking for real with yourself.

Being accountable - to me - means owning what you're capable of and getting clear on how to set yourself up to not do that again with some healthy boundaries and rules that work for you.

If you know you're capable of lashing out when mistreated - surround yourself with people who don't mistreat you - among other things like anger management.

If you know you're capable of over-eating sugar and junk - don't keep it in the house.

And so on. This is what responsibility looks like, to me. Responding to your truth in a constructive and healthy way instead of denying it or hiding from it.

So when it comes to infidelity, I don't hide from the truth that I'm capable. I've been capable. And I took responsibility so I won't cause that harm again.

If cheating’s one of your risks, own it.

Rule #2: Don’t commit if you’re still wondering what else is out there.

People cheat for all kinds of "reasons" but the root experience is that of curiosity. Either about what else is out there or about a connection with a specific person. That's the spark that starts it. The earliest warning sign.

On a more general note, if I’m curious about other people in the talking stage, that’s a red flag. That feeling won’t magically disappear when we "make it official".

Therefore, if I commit, it’s because I’m all in.

No wandering eye. No lingering “what ifs.”

Putting a title on a relationship - for me - is just verbalizing a commitment my body is already making. There's no friction there.

Rule #3: When temptation hits, don’t play with fire.

There are plenty of relationships I've been in where I never needed a rule #3. I don't experience that curiosity I'm talking about by default. It speaks to something specific of the relationship I'm in - which I'll get to in a bit.

But still, even when a relationship starts out strong, relationships have seasons. Things change. Curiosity creeps in when comfort sets in, and many people wonder: am I okay with this being it, for the rest of my life?

That question hits hard for a lot of people. But this curiosity itself isn’t the problem. Nor is temptation.

What we do with it is.

Step one is to put a boundary up if you're feeling tempted in a specific direction. We'll do something else with that feeling, but not something that will sabotage your relationship. Something that will repair it.

So if you feel drawn to your coworker all of a sudden, for example, back up. Don’t lean into it. Don’t flirt with it. Put up the boundary. Fast. As soon as you notice it, move away from it. It's not a sign, it's information we're going to unpack in the next step.

That’s the rule. That’s the discipline.

Rule #4: Identify the unmet need. Meet it inside the relationship.

This is the hardest step. We'll dig much deeper into it. But most of the time, even when people do put up those boundaries, they keep quiet and just silently have a battle of wills against the temptation.

If the root of the issue isn't resolved (because they're not resolving it), that temptation doesn't go anywhere. It just keeps resurfacing, even if it shows up in different ways with different people and environments.

To change this is important to understand something: the temptation to cheat is signaling an unmet need in your relationship or life.

That person you’re drawn to? They’re probably reflecting a need that’s been missing at home. Even if 80% of your needs are met, the 20% still hurts.

Your job is to name the need. Then find a way to meet it without breaking your commitment.

Rule #5: If the need can’t be met, it’s time to leave.

It's time to start working your way out of the relationship. Notice I said "working your way out." We say "just leave" as if it's simple, but there's no "just" to leaving a serious relationship.

For starters, breakups can also be traumatic. And even when they're not traumatic, they require us to grieve. So let's not pretend that the lesser of two bad outcomes is painless or doesn't cause harm.

This doesn't even begin to consider how privileged of a take "just leave" is.

Divorce costs money, time, and support. Breaking up a serious and integrated relationship costs money, time, and support.

I didn't really start to zoom out on how insensitive the "just leave" mantra is until I noticed I was throwing it at people who were stuck in abusive relationships.

People who were being harassed and controlled. People who feared bodily harm or their partner harming themselves. People who were financially trapped. Or even if they weren't living with their partner at the time, people who would face serious social injury for breaking off a serious relationship in lieu of cheating.

Today, while I encourage people to leave if the protocol doesn't work, I want to be clear that to suggest this is doable doesn't mean I believe it is easy or simple.

Leaving is a doable alternative to infidelity, but it requires resourcing and safety to leave a relationship. Those things aren't always readily available and can take time to build. And because of that, you'll never hear me imply that there's a simple alternative again.

Still, rule #5 is what it is. If you can't heal the disconnect in your relationship, and the temptation is killing you, it's time to work your way toward leaving the relationship.

Your safety, agency and integrity all depend on it - if nothing else.

I wanted to lend the protocol with the hope that it's helpful, but this article isn’t just about how not to cheat.

It’s about why people cheat, and how both partners can do their part to protect their relationship from infidelity.

Let’s get into the long version.

No matter which way I flip it - and I've flipped this a lot - it appears obvious to me that people cheat because of unmet needs. Not because they're bad people. Some of the best people I know have sabotaged perfectly "good" relationships because some need was going unmet within it.

And when I say need, I mean need.

When people lack food or water, they grow desperate. They act out. They eventually wither.

Same with emotional needs. Without them, we deteriorate mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We lash out, protest, cheat. We burn out. Collapse entirely. Sometimes violently. Sometimes silently.

So yes, emotional needs count as needs. I've already covered how deeply important it is to understand this from a mental health standpoint.

But we already get this even when we don't say it explicitly.

Take me, for example. In my early twenties, I was engaged and living with my partner. I didn’t cheat, but I sure as hell thought about it.

Our lives were fully integrated and I wasn't in a position to "just leave". And at the same time, things between us had gotten monotonous. We were stuck in routine. Our connection felt stale. I was bored. Life with her felt… empty.

On paper, it looked like a good relationship. We were solid friends and partners. We got along well enough. But under the surface our relationship was missing a lot of things that make relationships fulfilling.

And back then, even I thought this was just an excuse. I shamed myself for having the thought. But I'd asked myself a question I couldn't un-hear:

"Is this it?"

Work. School. Come home. TV. Sleep. Repeat. No growth. No curiosity. Barely any affection. And we were calling this "good"?

We weren't toxic. But no, we weren't good.

If your best friend came to you with that same confession that their relationship lacked intimacy, affection, vulnerability. That they were just going through the motions. They felt like roommates, not romantic partners? Would you tell them to suck it up? That they want too much?

I doubt it.

Even if we don’t name it, our bodies know: unmet emotional needs send up signals we can’t ignore. That's why they come back. Why they get louder over time.

That kind of emptiness isn’t sustainable. Not for a person. Not for a relationship.

So, naturally, you'd say: "You should talk to your partner about this." Right?

I did too.

But when I tried, I got hit with the equivalent of "I don’t feel that way. This is just life. Maybe we can go on a vacation?"

Her response wasn't totally dismissive. She was just at a loss and thought of it as a me problem. It reflected the exact things that were missing: the lack of intimacy. The lack of affection. The lack...

This lacking-ass response didn't just leave me feeling unfulfilled - I felt alone in my experience. And alone while partnered is one of the most painful places to be.

She treated it like my problem, instead of trying to understand what we might be missing together.

And that’s where I want us to pause and ask:

Would you want someone you love to go through life like that? Missing something essential and being told “deal with it”?

I wouldn't. You wouldn’t.

Because again: emotional needs are real needs. Relational needs are real needs.

Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away. It makes them scream louder.

Identifying Your Needs & Distinguishing Them From Wants

Knowing that our needs are non-negotiable isn't enough. Most people don't know how to distinguish a need from a want to even be able to identify it.

This is critical work, and protects us from either partner weaponizing our wants to get our way in relationship (lest we cheat anyway). Which is not what I'm advocating for here. So keep reading.

Wants are flexible. Needs aren’t.

Wants are the container that fulfills the need. Needs are the essence inside the container.

If something else can fulfill that essence, it was a want. If nothing else will do, and we can’t thrive without it, it’s a need.

I know, this all sounds strange, so here’s an example:

Dexter Morgan. Yes, the serial killer from the TV show "Dexter".

When Dexter married his wife, Rita, he secretly kept his old apartment. He thought he needed it to hold his secret supplies.

Rita found out about the apartment and made Dexter go to couples therapy. This is where they found out that what Dexter really needed was privacy and a space. The apartment fulfilled that need - but that wasn't the only option.

Once Rita understood this, she helped him set up a private space in their backyard shed, with a lock and key. Boom. Same need, different delivery.

Want: the apartment.
Need: privacy and space.

I know, I know, we’re talking about a serial killer. But stay with me.

This is actually a powerful relationship skill: learn to tell the difference between what you think you want, and what you actually need.

Because sometimes the thing you want - your old apartment, your coworker, your fling - is just a shortcut to something deeper your spirit’s asking for.

On the topic of fidelity, most of the time, the person tempting you isn’t the point. They’re just reflecting a need that’s asking to be named and honored.

If you can name that deeper need and unmarry it from the person you're giving your attention to, your relationship could have a fighting chance.

We make a mistake when we spiral about who our partner wants, what they look like, what vibe they give off.

We miss the deeper issue when we obsess over the who.

The real question is: what need was that connection fulfilling?

Here are some common unmet needs that often precede cheating.

If you've cheated, are feeling tempted, or know someone who has, ask yourself:

Was one of these needs the thing they were searching for?

• Novelty & Excitement – The need for spontaneity and newness in connection.
• Partnership & Friendship – The need for collaboration and camaraderie in day-to-day life.
• Feeling Valued & Appreciated – The need to feel cherished by your partner.
• Feeling Attractive, Liked, or Wanted – The need for desire, affection, and admiration.
• To Understand & Be Understood – The need for deep emotional resonance—"you get me."
• Autonomy & Freedom – The need for personal agency and room to be yourself.
• Security & Stability – The need to feel emotionally and physically safe.
• Play & Fun – The need for lightness, laughter, and joy.
• Growth & Expansion – The need to evolve personally and relationally.
• Emotional Intimacy – The need for honest conversations and deep connection.

Don’t see one that feels true for you?

Pull up the Universal List of Human Needs and keep looking. Chances are something will click or be close enough to work from.

Whose Responsibility Is It, Anyway?

Let’s be clear: it’s not your partner’s job to meet your needs. Just like it’s not your job to meet theirs.

You don’t get to say “I’m tempted to cheat” and then wait for them to fix it, perform for you, or rescue your sense of connection.

That's weaponizing your unmet needs against your partner and that’s not how this works.

Sure, sometimes a partner can meet a need in a one-and-done way, like Rita giving Dexter the shed. But those are gifts. I don't recommend either party normalize that.

Fidelity is about relational dynamics, not quick fixes.

Expecting your partner to single-handedly fulfill your needs so you’ll stick around? That’s not partnership. It’s parenting. Whether we mean to or not, we're stepping into manipulative territory here.

It won't help your relationship.

It'll kill it.

So get this: as an adult, your needs are your responsibility. Support and collaboration from your partner? Absolutely, that's their responsibility to you. But initiative and ownership of your own needs?

That’s on you.

If something’s missing, you are the one who has to take the first step to shift it within the boundaries of the relationship you both agreed to.

Looking back at the example above, this was my biggest mistake.

I wanted vulnerability, but I didn’t show up vulnerably.

I wanted spontaneity, but I didn’t create space for it or initiate anything that would cultivate that in our dynamic.

I did the right thing by talking to her, but even in doing so it was as if I was waiting for her to give me permission to be the partner I already knew I wanted to be.

No wonder she was at a loss. She couldn’t do that for me. She couldn’t create a dynamic I needed but wasn't leading in.

Yes she had her role, but that part was on me.

Your partner’s job is to be a responsive, attuned, engaged collaborator. They should absolutely care about your needs and be willing to participate in cultivating a dynamic that fills your cup.

But they can't carry that dynamic for you. You have to step up.

Feeling tempted to cheat? That’s a flag. Not for them, for you.

So when you identify your needs, get curious about how you've let them slip and how you plan to lead in bringing it back into the dynamic.

Some example questions to ask yourself:

If the need is spontaneity:

• When was the last time you planned something spontaneous for both of you? A date, a trip, even a walk somewhere new?
• When was the last time you surprised them in a meaningful way, or invited them into something that felt fun and fresh?

Take accountability for your side of the street before going to your partner about your needs going unmet.

If the need is collaboration, ask yourself:

• Are you leading with respect, or are you just assigning tasks?
• Do you ask for their input? Value it? Integrate it?

Because that’s what collaboration actually looks like. If you’re not doing that, start there instead of pointing a finger at your partner for not being able to single-handedly forge a collaborative dynamic under your authoritarian partnership style.

The list goes on.

Bottom line?

Don’t wait for your partner to build the relationship you want.

Initiate it. Lead it.

"Okay...Then What's The Point of Talking to My Partner About It?"

So they can attune to why you're really doing it, be supportive, and participate accordingly.

It's pretty common that people will try this shortcut of springing changes in relationship onto their partner "out of the blue".

I don't recommend it.

The the partner is often - reasonably - confused, or depending on the change at hand - annoyed because they don't understand why it's important when you have all these other priorities that are clearly pressing.

This is especially common when it comes to emotional dynamic shifts being sprung on them because these usually cause us to be vulnerable or take risks in ways we're not used to in the dynamic.

Scene:

Jeremy finds himself feeling attracted to his coworker.

He knows the protocol and follows it by distancing himself immediately. Then he looks for what need is missing in his relationship that this work dynamic is signaling to him.

He's relieved when he notices that it's just that this coworker is playful with him. They have banter at the office and she just feels fun.

He realizes that he misses having that with his wife, Kim. Their first date was to an amusement park for crying out loud. They used to battle it out with nerf guns and pillow fights.

Their connection was founded on play. Jeremy and Kim used to know how to have a good time.

But since they got married and things got serious, they do so much adulting that play is barely a footnote in their relationship. Their connection is soft and supportive, and their partnership is solid. But they spend most of their time active together focusing on bills, finishing their degrees, expanding their business and careers, buying and renovating their home, community work and organizing etc.

It's been a couple of years of hustling so hard it's like they forgot how to laugh together and not take life too seriously.

He loves the ambition and the life they're building, but what's the point if they don't get to have at least some fun?

He doesn't want to talk about all of this with Kim because he doesn't want to worry her. Instead, he'll just lead with the solution! He gets a bright idea to go buy a couple of nerf guns and he'll just surprise her tonight when she gets home! She'll love it 😀

Narrator: "Jeremy will soon discover that this idea is far from bright..."

Kim walks through the door after a busy day and immediately takes a nerf to the chest, startling her. Jeremy is coming at her hot, hootin' & hollerin' all crazy. She looks down & sees the other gun he set aside for her to grab, but instead of taking it, she just looks back up at him, confused. Where tf is her husband?

"Babe what are you doing? Did you get the pictures of the deck over to the contractors before 5? And we have that thing with Tiff we can't reschedule. We talked about this. You knew we had a lot going on today after work. We don't have time for this. What is going on with you?"

Of course, Jeremy deflates. Kim deflates. Everyone deflates.

Jeremy feels alone, like I did. And Kim is at a loss and feeling alone too - not understanding what's happening or why her husband is all of a sudden blowing off priorities that mean so much to them.

You might think Kim is the asshole for this, but Jeremy didn't communicate. He expected Kim to just automatically prioritize his need for play over her pre-existing stressors without understanding why it's so important to him.

On the other hand, Kim did communicate ahead of time, and from where she's sitting, Jeremy consciously de-prioritized or just flat out forgot the agreement they already had for the day, knowing how important this was to Kim.

Yikes.

See where not communicating gets you? Try not to spring dynamic changes on your partner.

Communicate with your partner.

Alternative:

Jeremy decides that even though it'll be vulnerable and hard, he's going to talk to Kim about what's going on. And he's going to be very mindful and considerate as he does so to support her in feeling reassured along the way.

He gets clear on how he wants to deliver this to her and decides that, while he can't control her reaction, he can make it clear that his priority is to his relationship and he's inviting her to participate in that with him.

He finds some time when they have a lowkey night at home, waits until Kim has decompressed a bit, and he tells her he needs to talk about something important.

"What's up baby?"

Jeremy tells her he noticed an attraction to a coworker, but instead of exploring the attraction, he explored within himself what it's really about so he could bring it back to his wife and handle it at home in his marriage, where he wants to be.

"Okay...?" He saw her heart drop, but Kim is listening. Jeremy stays regulated while getting vulnerable. He takes her hand as he continues.

He opens up about how he loves the life they're building and knows it takes focus and discipline, and he's proud of them for it. But he misses how playful they were together in the beginning. That was a huge part of what attracted him to her to begin with.

He's realizing now that that wasn't coincidence. He cherished having a partner he could have fun with. He misses seeing her laugh. He misses being the guy who could make her laugh. He's lost sight of that and he's sorry he let that part of their dynamic slip away. He believes they both have lost sight of it, and he wants it back. With her. His best friend and partner. Not somebody else.

"Don't you miss it too?"

Kim admits she does miss it and they have lost track of it. And yes, she asks a couple questions about the woman at work, to which Jeremy can confidently respond that other than a couple of playful exchanges that showed him how much he misses playing with Kim, nothing of consequence has happened.

He's stayed away from this woman since and isn't interested in pursuing anything further with her. He wants to see this as notice from the Universe to have more fun with his wife. Not some random woman at his job.

Kim knows he means every word. She sighs a sigh of relief, thinking to herself, I knew I was right for choosing this man.

They talk about how they can balance work and play better moving forward.

They're going to continue working hard toward their goals, but twice a month they're going to have date nights and just have fun together like they used to. Along with some spontaneous fun sprinkled in-between.

It was a great conversation.

And when it's all over, they're both feeling relieved, seen, heard, understood, and resolved...

Jeremy says "welp, no reason to wait" and pulls out the nerf guns and tosses her one. Kim is immediately laughing from surprise. They nerf it out and somehow end up losing their clothes at some point idk.

In the middle of the night Kim wakes up, Jeremy is still sleeping. She feels grateful that he trusted her enough to bring this to her instead of do something behind her back. Besides, he's right. They did let the fun side of their relationship slip, and tonight reminded her that she cherished it too.

Before going back to sleep she books a couple of tickets to a comedy show later this month to surprise him with in the morning.

Things to Notice:

• Jeremy didn't just communicate his unmet need for fun, he took responsibility for it. He owned that he let this part of their dynamic slip and apologized for that. He didn't put it on Kim to fix it or make it her problem.
• Kim accepted the invitation to re-instill fun in the relationship. She listened and held space, received the invitation to play with the Nerf guns (which was much easier now that she had context), and since he took the first step in showing her that she was the person he wants to have this dynamic with, she took the next step of booking the tickets. She didn't initiate the dynamic shift, she responded to it.

I wouldn't expect anyone to act with perfection here, but generally speaking, this is what we're aiming for when we communicate about temptation showing up in relationship.

Three Reasons Needs Go Unmet in Relationships

So now that we've got the fuller context and picture of how to get it right, it's important to also be aware of where things tend to go wrong so we can know how to catch and handle that.

There are 3 (common) reasons that I'm seeing for why critical needs go unmet in relationship. And honestly, this is whether cheating is a part of the picture or not. Even if it doesn't lead to infidelity, it'll lead to a breakup.

1. They Aren’t Aware of Their Needs

People who don't want to cheat but feel tempted often get stuck in shame and confusion. They spiral instead of slowing down to regulate and ask what's really going on.

I've seen clients wrestle with this in session. They either keep it to themselves until it's too late, or bring it up mid-panic, unable to access clarity.

Some people glorify cheating. Those people won't be helped by anything I write here. But there's an entire other group of people - who I personally believe to be the majority - who don't glorify it.

They would rather make healthier choices for their relationship. They would rather stick with their values. But they struggle in silence, panicking about what they feel, largely because of how shame operates in our bodies instinctively.

This is one reason I believe shame & punishment culture around cheating causes more harm than good in the end. People who want to do better have to fight through the incredibly natural, healthy response to shame before they can take meaningful action.

What do I mean by healthy response to shame?

Well, that brings us to the next reason needs go unmet. And we'll get to that in a sec.

But first it's important to understand, shame or no shame, you can’t heal what you won’t name. Not when it comes to relationship dynamics and unmet needs. You have to be able to talk and collaborate about your needs.

So take a look at the Universal Human Needs list and find what’s really coming up for you.

The ideal is being able to articulate, with clarity and specificity, what your burning unmet need is. And yes, there may be more than one, but if you catch this early, there's likely one big one. Maybe two.

Find the one that will make the biggest difference and start there.

Trust your gut.

2. They Know Their Needs… But Struggle to Communicate Them

Things like shame, humiliation, and terror all thrive in secrecy. They can cause us to freeze and hide. This is a natural, automatic, healthy response to these feelings because they keep us alive.

The more shame, humiliation, and terror someone feels in response to their own forbidden desires, the less likely they are to speak up about them.

This is often what those who don't want to cheat end up feeling.

Shame says "I'm bad" or "I'm unworthy."

So if someone believes they're bad for even feeling tempted to cheat, they're going to behave like they're unworthy of support, grace, being heard and understood, the list goes on. They show up in session and feel awful, or hide and tell me about it way later.

Even in session with clients who know - cognitively - that I'm not going to judge them for cheating, their bodies need time to relax enough to allow them to share.

It can be a slow, patient process for them to feel open to sharing about their desire to cheat or their history of cheating with me.

Sharing with their partners feels next to impossible in comparison.

The issue is that without support - especially the support of their partner - they can’t make grounded choices to move forward in relationship. Yes they have to initiate the dynamic change, but they can't fulfill that change alone.

Relationships take two.

Which brings me to reason #3 why the needs go unmet.

3. They Are Communicating… But Their Partner Isn’t Hearing Them

We've all seen this before:

One partner opens up and says, “I’m struggling in this relationship.” Maybe it’s about cheating. Maybe it’s about leaving. Either way, they’re trying to work on it. And step 1 is to talk about it. They're taking the step.

And that moment, the other partner’s job is to regulate and receive.

But they forget that part. Or maybe they just don't know. Or maybe they think the rules don't apply here because cheating is only something people who are going to hell consider.

So what do they do instead of regulating and receiving?

They may spiral. Try to control and fix. Panic and protest.

All natural. I get it. I've done it.

But love, it's not helpful.

Your partner is reaching to you to have a conversation about their unmet needs. And just like they shouldn't expect for you to bend over backwards to caretake their needs, when we make the conversation about our fear or our needs, they end up having to emotionally caretake us.

Their need gets lost. The problem is still unresolved. And it can't be resolved until we learn to do our part to regulate and receive them. To partner with them in this aspect of relationship.

So, take a breath. Listen. Listen to understand them.

Tell them you’re scared if you are. That's okay. Ask some clarifying questions when it's your turn. But also tell them you’re glad they told you. They didn't have to, and that was a vulnerable thing to do. They chose to reach for connection over secrecy knowing they could have been rejected, punished, or potentially vilified.

Let it mean something that they came to you.

That alone is a green flag. Let it land.

Reflect what you heard. Ask questions.
Be curious before you try to fix anything.

Tell them you’re committed to understanding their experience and working together to create space for both your needs.

Then follow through on that. Let them take initiative and lead in that. Remind them to if that's what it takes. Send them this article to help them get what that means.

But also consider how you can be an active participant.

You might even discover you’ve been missing some of the same things, just in different ways. The dynamic change they're asking for could bring an aliveness to your relationship that's been missing for both of you.

They were just the ones who got handed the cards to call it first.

Think of Jeremy and Kim.

When the skill is built, couples can have hard conversations in ways that feel grounded and connective, not chaotic and heartbreaking.

When it’s done right, this kind of conversation can be intimate. It can be a turning point that brings you closer, if you both show up and do your part.

You have to remember what each of you are responsible for. And when you see your partner taking that responsibility, give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Not manufactured. Really see it.

See that the person who's feeling tempted is coming to you because they would rather connect with you instead. See them owning how they feel and making moves to do something about it within the agreement of your relationship.

And see that your partner is only worried because they, too, want to be close to you. They aren't trying to push you away. See when they try to understand and hold space for you. And when they try to show up to participate.

You can both notice these things. Notice that you're each trying to be closer.

That's where the reassurance is. It's where the hope is.

That's where the light at the end of the tunnel is, on this one.

Follow it.

The Compassionate Takeaway

If you’re tempted to cheat:

You're human. It happens. Get curious about where it's coming from and what need is going unfulfilled inside of you and within your relationship. Take a look at the needs list to help.

If you’re the partner of someone who's expressed feeling tempted or has cheated but you two are committed to working it out:

Get curious about what needs were going unmet and how you can support them in meeting those needs. Try not to take responsibility for their needs. This isn't on you. But you do play a powerful role in supporting them in getting those needs met. Let them initiate (and remind them you can't do that for them), then consider how you can meet them halfway when they do.

If you want to prevent cheating:

Build a relationship where both people’s needs are actively heard and met. Follow the protocol. Notice when your partner is following protocol, and receive them in that.

Rooting for You,

Tori

P.S. If you're struggling with temptation or infidelity in your relationship and you want some support taking responsibility for your side of the street, click here to book a discovery call.