Why Good People Cheat (and What to Do About It)
Some people glorify cheating and are assholes. Some people refuse to acknowledge how harmful infidelity is. This article has nothing to do with those people.
We love to frame cheating as a willpower issue. A moral character flaw. That theory hasn’t helped much. Infidelity rates are rising. Especially among women.
So what if cheating isn’t about willpower or morals at all? What if it’s about survival. Maybe even survival of the spirit?
I know that sounds strange, but stay with me.
A recent conversation made me realize I’ve never written about this here. That changes now.
And let me be clear: this isn’t a black-and-white morality rant.
Cheating is harmful. Being cheated on is traumatic. Betrayal from the person closest to you can bring out rage, abandonment, humiliation, shame.
It makes the person being cheated on ask: “Was I not good enough?” “What did I do wrong?” Even though that decision wasn’t theirs. It was their partner’s. Alone.
I’m assuming we all agree cheating is harmful. That’s not the debate.
We’re here because knowing it’s harmful hasn’t stopped it. Even people who don’t want to cheat still find themselves doing it anyway.
So let’s take a different approach. One that trades shame for real accountability.
This is a conversation about how we stop the harm.
Stopping the harm means we need to look at why people cheat, and what both people can do to protect the relationship from it (or heal after it happens).
This isn’t outsider commentary.
I cheated before I even graduated high school. I’d been cheated on, too. By 22, I’d learned about emotional infidelity and built a (very effective) protocol that helped me stop cheating altogether. But even after I stopped cheating, I got cheated on again.
I was in pain. I got arrogant. I went through a phase where I vilified cheaters as morally bankrupt. I became that person yelling "If you want to cheat, just leave!" at anyone who mentioned even considering it as an option.
And while there’s truth in that… I've learned since that it's truly not always that simple. And oversimplifying problems is a big part of why we struggle to effectively solve them.
Over the years I've come to a different place. Through experience, training, and reflection I've learned more about trauma, psychology. Why people do the oftentimes harmful shit we do and how to prevent it from happening again.
And now?
Now, I hold a more balanced view. One that doesn’t excuse cheating, but doesn’t vilify the people doing the cheating, either. Like most cases: shame just makes the problem worse.
What actually helps? Genuine accountability. Balanced, appropriate responsibility. Skill. And genuine repair.
I want us to live in a world where we understand infidelity happens, but instead of spiraling in rage and shame about it, we know how to respond. We know how to heal from it and we know how to prevent it.
So to me, this conversation isn't about who's deserving of what. Who's right and who's wrong. Who do we coddle and who do we punish.
This is a conversation about unmet needs, real responsibility, and the skills needed for secure partnership.
Why? Because I believe relationships can survive cheating. I believe some can even thrive afterward, by taking an albeit narrow, but real, path.
Even better? I believe we can stop infidelity before it starts by catching the signs early and working through them.
But it takes self-awareness, patience, and skill. From both parties.
It takes both being willing to own their shit - without shaming, without denial, without blame.
This is counter-culture to what a lot of us are used to. Our work is cut out for us. 🙂
Let’s dig in.
