The Myth of Self Awareness

Ten years ago you couldn’t tell me anything about myself. I was 25 and knew everything there was to know about me already.

Like, you couldn’t tell me I was an asshole because I already knew when I was being one. Usually, I pointed it out before anyone else had a chance.

Unapologetically.

I always had my reasons for being an asshole. And my reasons were the only thing that mattered.

I knew me. And that was the only thing that mattered.

People called me courageous.

If you'd asked me, I'd say I was self aware and "Didn't give a fuck."

Truth is, I was arrogant. The Universe kicked my ass for it, too.

Ten years later things are a little different.

I've lived through enough to realize I know very little, if anything, about anything. Including myself.

What's funny about this is that now I feel more self aware than I’ve ever been, with room to grow.

How This Works And Why It Helps

No one is self aware because self awareness isn’t a fixed state.

Self awareness is a practice.

It must be.

We are growing, changing, moving, deciding, learning every minute of every day.

In order to be aware of something you have to observe it. How often are you observing your ever-growing, changing self?

If you aren’t in the practice of observing your thoughts, behaviors, feelings, beliefs and how they’re all paying off of each other to impact your present moment…

You’re not practicing self awareness.

If you aren’t in the practice of observing yourself without judgment or agenda, and without needing to be right, wrong, bad, good, etc.

You’re not practicing self awareness.

And, basically, claiming to be self aware without practicing self awareness is like claiming to be a black belt without practicing martial arts.

If I were practicing self awareness 10 years ago I would’ve been aware that my assholish guard was covering up deep, deep anguish.

I would've known that the anguish I felt wasn't caused by any of the people I was behaving that way toward.

But I wasn't aware of that.

I would’ve admitted that it wasn't really for them and apologized a lot more often in leu of just "calling it" before they got a chance.

But I didn’t.

Perhaps I wouldn’t have behaved that way at all. I rarely do now.

But I did. And it wasn't rare.

And make no mistakes, when I say I had my reasons, I really mean that. I was in environments where I needed to protect myself that way.

And. It's still true that if I were practicing self awareness I would’ve been more aware of how my choices landed and kept me in those environments.

I would’ve focused on being aware of me and my moves impact on me instead of everyone else and their moves and what they thought of my moves.

Practicing self-awareness requires you to mind your own business.

But that version of me didn’t know that yet. They couldn’t have. No one told them. That was something baby girl had to learn the hard way, and that’s okay.

I’m here now. And now, while I see how claiming to simply be self aware can give a false narrative and be used as a defense mechanism, I try to refrain.

But I do practice self awareness as often as I can muster. This usually involves checking in as needed throughout the day. Another practice clients are falling in love with when they find a style of check-in that suits them. As well as meditation.

It turns out, the more I practice self awareness the less I feel the need to behave like an asshole. The less I need to posture. The less I have to prove.

The more I practice self awareness, the more I can just accept myself as I am.

The more I can do this with others.

This works because when you spend so much time observing yourself you realize a lot.

You realize not just how much the world has done to you but how capable you are to overcome.

You start believing in yourself.

Doing the hard thing stops feeling so scary when you realize you've slayed a lifetime of hard things. You survived them all. You didn't come out unscathed, but you handled them brilliantly for what you had at the time. You lived. And now, you heal.

Doing hard things isn't scary. The job now is to choose a couple of hard things that are worth it, and spend the remaining time & energy on rest, joy, play, connection, or whatever else you want.

Another side effect of practicing self awareness is realizing you have these soft parts of you that need your presence. Perhaps you didn't realize how precious these parts really are to you. You start taking better care of yourself emotionally.

Those parts of you need held. Protected. Treasured. Nurtured. Healed. Reparented.

You realize the whole of you is really just this gorgeous, rare creation. You fall in love with yourself in a way.

You also realize that as rare of a creation as you are, you’re still just like everyone else.

• You get afraid like everyone else.
• You get judgmental like everyone else.
• You run from yourself like everyone else.
• You have your process and your things no one can talk you out of, just like everyone else.
• You have your sensitivities like everyone else.
• You sabotage like everyone else
• You have your quirks, your passions, your strengths - just like everyone else.
• And yes, you can be pretty mean and selfish, just like everyone else

Compassion comes in. For yourself, first.

Then, for everyone else.

Love comes in. For you, first.

Then, for everyone else.

Yeah, you can still harden up when you need to. And you’ll observe that, too. Have compassion for that, too. Boundaries for that, too.

You’ll observe, every time, that that part of you is protecting you the best way it knows how. If you want it to protect you differently you can give it some different tools. A different way.

But most of the time you’re presented with the opportunity to do the asshole thing to someone, you’ll find yourself asking…

For what? There’s no danger here. Just pain.

We’re okay. We know how to love that into healing.

This is the fruit of self-awareness.

It’s a practice, though.

Tori