What’s Your Conflict Style?
With the rise of attachment styles, I've noticed that conflict resolution has somehow become one of the most overlooked parts of what it means to heal in relationship.
This makes sense. A lot of us are afraid of conflict or exhausted by it. It's uncomfortable, messy, and sometimes downright painful.
A lot of us grew up in chaotic, tumultuous or even dangerous relationships and somewhere deep down we wish the relationships would just be easy. And conflict seems like the opposite of that, doesn't it?
Look I get it, but we aren't doing ourselves any favors with that line of thinking. Because the opposite is true. Contrary to popular belief, conflict isn’t a problem. In fact I'd argue that learning to engage in healthy conflict is what makes a relationship easy. A lot of us doing know what "healthy conflict" is.
The lack of conflict IS a problem, though, to be clear. Couples who "never argue" concern me, and many of the social worker and therapists in my network agree when this is brought up.
It's natural for humans who spend a ton of time together to experience disagreement and step on each others toes. It's natural for humans who rely on one another heavily to let one another down at some point. This is basic math. And "we never argue" doesn't add up to me as honest math. Something is usually bubbling under the surface - and we'll get some clues to why that is in a bit.
But before I digress, one of the greenest flags of honest, healthy relationship is that you're experiencing healthy conflict, at least every once in a while, and you're confident in your ability to repair.
Meaning, conflict isn't the issue. How we handle it can make or break a relationship, though. Even with people who were otherwise a great fit for us.
Couples and relationships that thrive don't avoid conflict. Instead, they tend to know how to get on the same page about conflict. They know how to address issues without shying away. And they know how to collaborate about the problem they're addressing without turning on each other, pushing one another away, or catastrophizing.
This isn't to say hiccups don't happen or conflict isn't uncomfortable or difficult. Of course it is, even in the strongest relationships.
But it's also true that in the strongest relationships, there's a working protocol for how to co-regulate and handle conflict.
This is some of the most important work of relationship. And we've gotten away from talking about it.
Shifting Focus: From Attachment Styles to Conflict Styles
We're learning about our attachment styles for a reason, obviously. It can be informative and healing work. But I've noticed it can also lead to us missing the point. The work can show up in some downright counterproductive ways for some relationships.
What I mean is that, too often, we risk falling into a mindset where we believe we’re somehow "wrong," "weak," or "not enough" because of how we naturally form attachments. Even though the point of developing a secure attachment style is literally learning those things are not true. And embodying the belief that I - and the way I attach - is enough, and is not wrong or weak. The work is to embody this belief somatically so you can stop overcompensating for the low self esteeem.
You don't start attaching differently though. Like, I've grown more secure. I still want to be with someone who will text or call every day when we're not together. Growing secure means I don't think I'm "clingy" or "needy" for that. It means I have a relationship preference that happens to be a strong requirement for me. If you don't like it, great. I won't marry you. I'm okay with the way I form attachments.
But learning about attachment styles can reinforce our attachment wounds instead of help heal them if we're not careful. We go into this work trying to change our attachment needs for our relationships and that can be.... tricky. It's not that black and white.
Not only that, but I notice a lot of people missing the larger point of relational healing work as it relates to attachment styles.
Attachment style work is about you. That's personal work.
While it's natural for your relationship to be one of the many incentives for you to explore your attachment style, you don't "fix your attachment style for your relationship", nor is the goal to "fix your attachment style so you can finally be ready for a relationship" - which is often what I see people come to me for help with.
Your wounds are hurting you more than they're hurting anyone else.
Attachment work is about healing your pain.
Not about making yourself easier or more worthwhile to be with.
Still, I get it. We're trying to do work on our relationships and how we show up in them, and attachment styles are what we got handed for that. We're not trying to avoid our personal work. We're saying we need SOMETHING to do to help our relationships, too.
I get that.
We know we're contributing to the problems we're seeing, and we want to be accountable for our role. I get it. I've got you.
That's where conflict styles come in.
But know this, the way you naturally attach is fine. Find someone who's fine with it. That's probably the largest lesson of forming a secure attachment style is, in a nutshell. You belief that you're okay as you are. Nothing is wrong with you. And some people are a good fit, while others aren't. And there are going to be some grey areas to work through to make sure everyone's needs are met, regardless of the relationship. Nothing is wrong with you. That's just how relationships work.
So even the more securely attached people understand that conflict will happen. In fact it's a necessary and important step to deepening a connection. And the work we're responsible for in relationship is the work of handling conflict well so we can deepen that connection.
Your conflict style is more important for nurturing your existing connections than your attachment style is.
And I think this closer to the truth we're really looking for.
Because as stimulating and interesting as attachment work is, I don't think anyone really, intentionally stood up and said "hey I'd like to learn about my attachment patterns and see what's wrong with me so I can fix myself and be worthy of love!"
I think what we're really asking is "'how do I navigate issues in my existing relationships in a way that helps resolve them instead of escalate them?"
Doesn't that feel more true?
The work of attachment is the work of loving yourself. Of realizing there's nothing wrong with you or anyone else. We're all just clumsy people doing clumsy shit and doing the best we can to connect through our differences.
Navigating the conflicts that pop up in our relationships - some of which are byproducts of conflicting attachment styles - is the work of conflict resolution. Not attachment.
There's nothing wrong with you or the way you attach. There might be some unhelpful patterns in the way you approach conflict, though.
So, this isn't to say you don't continue to learn about and work with your attachment style. Of course you do. Learning where your wounds are and how they've impacted you can really help you choose better partners and friends for yourself. It can help you understand yourself, your needs, and the validity in how they show up.
It can help you identify shotty core beliefs blocking your ability to experience a wholehearted, secure love. It can help you learn to regulate and receive the love that's right in front of you. And help you embody new beliefs that are more supportive to your relational goals and ideals.
But all of that is about you, and for you.
If you're wondering what to do for your relationship specifically, that's where your conflict style comes in. Because that's not about how you attach, per say. It's about whether or not you're handling ruptures in ways that help or hurt your relationships.
What Are Conflict Styles?
I'm defining conflict styles as the habitual way you respond to disagreements or relational ruptures.
It’s not a fixed identity or a personality trait. It's not "I have an X conflict style".
You aren't trapped in it. It’s a pattern. As in "I tend to lean X in conflict." or even "I've noticed I lean X with my family but with my partner I actually have Y conflict patterns."
And like any pattern or habit, it can be observed, understood, and adjusted with practice over time.
I want to be clear that there is a popular model called the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), that's often used in corporate settings. I won't be using that model (for very specific reasons I'll get into here), but you're welcome to research it. I'll link it below.
The conflict styles described in this article are something I've come up with to tailor it more closely to the attachment work my readers and clients are already doing. And also take a more trauma informed approach.
My research on conflict styles is ongoing, and I'd love to hear your insights and how you experience conflict here.
A big reason I didn't like the TKI model well enough to use it was because it's an HR resources used for optimizing workplace dynamics. You want your lawyer to have a competitive conflict style, for example.
The TKI model's #1 goal is the company's goal, which is often about "winning", maintaining power-over, and more opportunistic outcomes. That doesn't align with the work I aim to do here and I wanted to draw a clear line in the sand.
The way I'm outlining conflict styles is about striving for healthy, collaborative relationships where we find power with the person we're experiencing the conflict with.
The goal is to work together against the problem. To develop a win-win solution where everyone gets their needs met. Not to work against one another to get our individual needs met and have them sacrifice theirs, or to sacrifice our needs to maintain relationship with someone else.
Here, we’re focused on relational health, as usual. So I'm supporting a goal that isn’t to tell you which style is "right" for the job but to guide you toward a more secure and collaborative approach in your connections.
If you’re curious about the TKI model, you can learn more about it here. It's more well-funded and research backed. I don't care to withhold those resources from you.
But if you're curious about a different take from someone up close to this relational healing work on the day-to-day, let’s dig into the styles I've observed and described below to support you in understanding how you show up in your relationships and - if you want to - how to transform it from the from a more helpful space.
Note: you'll get a description of each of the styles below, and paid members get access to actionable guides to help you move from your current predominant conflict style to a more secure style. If you want full access, upgrade here before continuing.
The Six Conflict Styles
And How to Transform Them
As you look for yourself or your loved ones in these descriptions, you may find that you or they have an automatic or "primary" style of conflict across the board. Sure. But as you look deeper you may notice that your style of conflict actually fluctuates from relationship to relationship, environment to environment, or even situation to situation.
How we handle conflict often depends on the context.
Still, you will notice patterns. Habits.
Try to start with focusing on a specific relationship or type of relationship in your life that you struggle in when it comes to conflict. Notice how you show up in that space as you read. And we'll talk about what it takes to transform conflict styles moving forward, from where you're at.
Look over ALL of these. You might be surprised at which one you resonate with the most.
No 1. Secure Conflict Style
A secure conflict style is like the secure attachment style. It's the "goal' in relationships we want to feel healthy, secure, and safe.
We know we're leaning secure when we approach disagreements with openness, curiosity, and a willingness to collaborate. When we're not afraid of conflict because we see it as an opportunity to understand and connect better with the other person. We don't see it as a catastrophe or even a threat to the relationship or our performance in relationship.
When we're leaning secure, we're comfortable giving and receiving feedback and we're able to stay relatively calm, empathetic, and curious even under pressure, and even when we need to be a little more assertive for our own needs to be heard.
Example: Imagine a couple discussing household chores. Instead of assigning blame, the person with leaning secure might say, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the dishes lately. Can we come up with a plan to share the load?”
This approach is empathetic, clear, and solution-oriented. It's inviting your partner to take an "us vs. the problem" approach instead of making it personal.
Root Belief: "Conflict is normal and we can handle this with care."
If you're anything like me, you get all of this information about what "insecure" and "trauma responses' etc. look like and wonder, "what does the healthy version of this look like?"
Therapists hate answering these questions and I get it. It's important for us to choose. But we learn from example, and as children a lot of us simply didn't have any. It's not okay with me to neglect that truth. So, in addition to the guides for the rest of the conflict styles below, I whipped up a detailed profile of general behavior, mindset, beliefs, and practices of someone who leans more secure in conflict. This is for you to use as an example if you don't have one.
Make sure you're on a paid plan to support the newsletter, and then click below to get the guide for understanding the secure conflict style.
Tori Reid
Keep reading if you want to discover your conflict style of focus.
No 2. Avoidant Conflict Style
When we lean avoidant we have a tendency to deflect, dismiss, withdraw, or otherwise disengage.
Notice what happens when someone addresses a concern about your behavior. Notice if your knee-jerk reaction is to lean away from the conversation versus lean into it.
The idea most who lean conflict avoidant have is that if the issue isn't talked about seriously or at length, then it doesn't exist. So the relationship is safe. The tension is activating for you so you want to get away from it or get around it, instead of work through it.
You may leave conversations mid-conflict, change the subject, or downplay their feelings to keep the peace and manage the atmosphere. You might even do this jokingly, playfully, or in a kind-hearted manner.
Bypassing isn't always "rude" or "mean". It's simply avoidant.
While this can prevent immediate tension, it often leaves issues unresolved and creates distance in relationships.
If this is your default conflict style, you might notice that you have a pattern of attracting people who harbor resentment that builds over time, and you feel blindsided later by it. This conflict style plays a large role in that. People can only be open with you if you allow them to be.
Consider if they tried to address it with you, but instead of receiving the tension and working through it, you avoided the tension, allowing it to fester.
Example: A friend brings up feeling hurt about canceled plans. The avoidant person might respond with, “It’s not a big deal,” and quickly move on, leaving the friend feeling dismissed to bring it up another day.
Root Belief: "If I avoid conflict, I can avoid pain." This belief isn't true. The bill always comes due. Putting it off adds tax and interest we don't see coming until things do fall apart, later on.
It's worth noting that the goal of avoiding escalation is a solid one. It makes perfect sense that you’d want to protect the peace in your relationships and prevent things from getting out of hand.
But while the goal is valid, I’ve had to learn the hard way that using avoidance as a strategy to reach the goal simply doesn’t work. There's a difference between resolving tension and neglecting it.
And neglecting it leaves it to bite us in the ass later. The bill always comes due, and avoidance has a nasty little habit of adding interest to bills that could have been small and easy to actually resolve.
Secure conflict strategies will help us reach our goal of resolving tension without leaving them to fester and erupt later.
If this sounds like the one you're struggling with, become a journey member and we'll dig into how to work on it below.
Tori Reid
No 3. Preoccupied Conflict Style
An anxious conflict style is driven by a need for immediate reassurance and resolution.
If you're leaning this way, you often struggle to self-soothe. You ruminate on the problem until it's resolved. Just like the preoccupied anxious attachment style, you feel an urgent need to "fix" the problem right away otherwise it keeps you up at night.
This intensity doesn't just overwhelm others. It overwhelms you. And that overwhelm escalates conflicts, even when your intentions are to bring people closer.
You struggle to understand that conflict takes time to resolve. Rushing it can cause us to cut corners and force compromises in ways that reinforce tension instead of actually resolving it.
It can force people into avoidance and brushing things under the rug because they're not given the grace and time to process as they need to.
Furthermore, being preoccupied about rushing to fix the issue or be heard doesn't give you time to process either.
Preoccupied conflict style has the right intentions, but they're missing the skillset of the secure conflict style to see those intentions through to the finish line.
Example: During an argument, an anxious partner might send multiple texts or insist on talking late into the night, saying, “We need to resolve this now, or I won’t be able to sleep.”
Root Belief: "If this isn’t resolved immediately, the relationship is at risk." This is also a false belief. While preoccupied leaning people understand the bill on hidden tension always comes due, healthy space is actually important in relationships. Taking space doesn't mean brushing it under the rug. These are two different things.
Your goal of resolving conflict and maintaining closeness is a good one. The challenge lies in the strategy of rushing toward resolution, which tends to escalate - not deescalate - the conflict itself.
Secure conflict strategies can help you deescalate overwhelm effectively, resolve the conflict, and maintain closeness.
If this sounds like the one you're struggling with, grab a premium subscription and we'll dig into how to work on it below.
Tori Reid
No 4. Defensive Conflict
When we're leaning defensive it's usually when feedback or requests for change feel like personal attacks.
A defensive conflict style often stems from insecurity or a fear of failure or blame. If this is your default, you'll notice yourself deflecting blame, countering their criticism with your own, or shutting down entirely to protect yourself from judgment and criticism.
This is a close cousin to the avoidant conflict style but it's not exactly the same. The avoidant is rationalizing that if the issue isn't treated like a big deal, then it's not a big deal. So the relationship is good and secure. The avoidant is avoiding relational threats like abandonment and disconnection that feel out of their control.
The defensive is avoiding personal threat of things like shame, unjust persecution and misunderstanding. They go a step further in thinking that if the issue is brought up, it's my fault.
Instead of undertaking responsibility like the avoidant, the defensive is usually overtaking responsibility, then fighting against it.
"If the relationship does fall apart, I can't be the villain. So I need to defend myself from character calls, blame, etc."
"I need to make it clear that I'm not the problem."
...Even if no one is saying that about you.
Simply put, you know you have a defensive conflict style if you're constantly feeling criticized or under threat of attack - whether someone is actually attacking you or not. You're constantly trying to justify why you're not the villain or in the "wrong" or the problem. You also will deflect often, flipping blame back to the other person.
Then you will post on reddit with the headline "AITA" because you're really not sure and this is bothering you.
Example: A partner asks for more help around the house. The defensive person might rush a response like, “YOU said you were going to do abc! I already do xyz.” turning focus back to the other person instead of hearing them out, and taking their feedback as a request to support them in ensuring both of your needs get met.
Root Belief: "If I admit fault, it means I’m not good enough or I'm the problem." We avoid shame at all costs, including the cost of a healthy sense of accountability that sets our relationships up to win - and us to feel like a responsible, winning partner in them. I've learned this one from experience myself. Defensiveness is a habit worth breaking.
Your goal in being defensive isn’t wrong. You want to protect yourself from feeling misunderstood, judged, or unfairly blamed, etc. Honestly, you're right. The conflict can only be resolved mutually if you feel seen and understood.
The issue is that without realizing it, defensiveness actually creates the opposite outcome for you and the other person. Now no one is feeling seen & understood.
But secure conflict strategies can help you reach your goal without pushing away the other person or invalidating their experience.
If this sounds like the one you're struggling with, grab a premium subscription and we'll dig into how to work on it below.
Tori Reid
No 5. Combative Conflict
A combative conflict style treats disagreements as battles to be won or "intellectual debates". These are the lawyers and conquerers of the relationship and family system.
I used to be one of them and I had to learn some tough lessons. But first that required a hard look in the mirror. I'm going to hand that to you here, then in the accompanying guide, we'll go over the innocence beneath all of our behaviors and their impacts.
So, if this is you, you likely see conflict and feedback as a provocation, causing you to tussle to prove a point, instead of seeing it as a sign that there are needs that require attention. Both your needs, and someone else's.
To approach you with feedback, the other person might reasonably assume that they have to agree to debate with you about the validity of their feedback, experience, feelings, and concerns before you're willing to take any of them to heart.
You're not only a lawyer, but a judge. And your loved ones might feel they must present a clear and logical case that makes their needs and feelings make sense before you're willing to treat those feelings and needs like they matter.
In more extreme or heated conflicts, you might escalate tension as you hyper-fixate on asserting dominance or "proving" your point, even at the expense of the relationship, though this is usually unintentional.
The combative is more than simply dismissive and they're not avoidant. Speaking from experience, I believe combatives are actually closer to preoccupied, with the difference being that they're preoccupied with winning the fight. Not re-establishing the connection.
They won't give up until they've won, and the second they feel they've won, they disengage. No longer having a goal of winning to preoccupy them.
You may notice at that point you become more avoidant or dismissive, ready to brush it under the rug before the other person gets to come in for another round.
Combatives usually have a strong tendency to engage black and white thinking during conflict.
They believe strongly that this disagreement is about what's "right" or "wrong". And they need to be "right". When arguing outright, they need the other person to admit that the combative is "right" (or not have a comeback for the last thing they said) before they can finally feel regulated.
I want to be clear that this isn't about pride alone. They depend on this to regulate their nervous system. It comes from trauma in my opinion.
And as we continue to experience collective traumas we disagree on, we see this all over the internet, right now, on critical matters that need collaboration to be resolved. But we can't step out of combat mode to allow the collaboration to begin.
People who lean combative also struggle with agreeing to disagree, and with allowing two things to be true at once in conflict. Allowing others to have different values, needs, and relational philosophies is very difficult for someone who's in a combative headspace.
In the most extreme cases that I've seen, those with a combative conflict style will outright own that they believe someone must have "power" in a disagreement or even in the relationship. They lean on a relational structure of having power over the other person to feel secure when threatened. And to be clear: an argument is a threat. Someone being upset with them is a threat.
Their preoccupation with winning and being "right" can obviously escalate conflicts, making it difficult to give them feedback, receive their feedback, find common ground, and reconnect.
Example: Your loved one tells you something you did hurt their feelings, and your response is "that doesn't make sense" or "here's why it's wrong for you to feel this way and why I'm right and justified for doing/feeling how I do."
This approach alienates your loved ones, dismisses them, and makes it, honestly, impossible to resolve the matter with you in a way that feels like a win-win. You're forcing compromise/sacrifice instead of mutually beneficial collaboration. And it pushes your loved ones away.
But I want to be clear, this doesn't just hurt them. It hurts you.
As "right" and "justified" as you often might feel, you also tend to feel alone and misunderstood, and confused about why that is. This is why.
You're not just alienating them. In alienating them, you're also alienating yourself.
Relationships aren't about who's right. They're about "how can we both love and be loved and happy, together."
This is a big lesson for you to work through. This is another one I had to learn the hard way, myself.
Root Belief: "I need to be right to be in control/secure" and, even deeper, "If my point or choices are proven wrong, I'm stupid, unworthy, inferior, and/or powerless and must submit and sacrifice my needs." This battle-of-wills conflict style causes more disruption than it diffuses.
If this sounds like the one you're struggling with, grab a premium subscription and we'll dig into how to work on it below.
Tori Reid
No 6. Permissive Conflict
The permissive conflict style is characterized by appeasement and self-suppression.
If you lean this way you'll often agree outwardly to keep the peace but may harbor unspoken resentment. It takes a LOT for you to be more assertive and address an issue, and when you get pushback you'll quickly fold - even if you don't feel resolved.
You are the one who blindsides your more dismissive or assertive counterparts by coming back later to explain why you're done with them, as you walk out the door.
Simply put, this is a "fawn" response to conflict. It sacrifices your own needs and can lead to emotional burnout, compassion fatigue, and resentment that builds into contempt, at which point you may discard the relationship completely to get back some capacity.
What I usually find myself telling my more permissive conflict style clients is "people can only choose you if you let them." Something similar I've had to tell myself.
If the only time you're standing on your truth is when you're boiling over with resentment or actively leaving the relationship, you're not giving people a chance to learn to honor your truths while in relationship with them.
Because you aren't honoring them yourself.
Honoring your needs means standing on them even when you get pushback, and giving the other people in your life time to adjust to your truth. They're not a light switch. They have their own needs to consider and work with.
Instead, you have a habit of quickly folding to their needs to stay in relationship, or leaving relationship to finally honor your own.
Your work is learning there is space for both of your needs to be met in relationship. And your responsibility is for your needs. Not theirs.
Example: When asked to take on extra work, a permissive person might say, “Well, I'm not sure. I have xyz going on,” and when receiving a little pushback or even a question for clarity, they say "okay yeah I'll do it it's really no big deal". Even if the TRUTH is that they’re already overwhelmed and don't have the space to juggle that much more.
The other person treats this sacrifice casually, as its presented by the person who's permissive.
And over time, the permissive person may feel unappreciated or taken advantage of, which fuels their fire for finally leaving the relationship.
Permissie conflicters become much more emboldened when they can justify feeling "wronged".
Their work is to justify having boundaries they stand ten toes down on, so no one can have so much room to take advantage of them to begin with.
Root Belief: "It’s safer to stay quiet than to express my true feelings."
If this sounds like the one you're struggling with, grab a premium subscription and we'll dig into how to work on it below.
Tori Reid
How Practicing a Secure Conflict Style Can Help You & Your Relationships
Now, I'm not going to lie to you. One thing the TKI model gets right is that the more collaborative, secure conflict style isn't always the goal.
If someone is insisting on being combative in my direction even after I've invited them to come back to collaboration, there's not much I can do to forge a win-win on my own. It's wise to not try to force people to change.
And if the alternative is to take the beating from the combative person, I'm more likely to go dismissive in their direction, or just leave. Because I don't care to participate or collaborate with them any longer.
We get to choose who we want to have secure conflict with. You don't have to want to do this with everyone. But I do recommend practicing with people who can strive to meet you in the middle on this. And find those people, if you're not sure you have any around you.
It's important to understand that we all have this right to distinguish and discern. It's important also to use it wisely and responsibly. If your goal is to heal the relationship, connect more deeply, or at least get on the same page with them, it's important to practice leading with a secure conflict style.
The secure conflict style are great for co-regulating and moving people into practicing secure conflict with you. Leading by example can be a great way to determine who is down to do this work with you, and who isn't.
Think about who you'd like to heal your relationship with in some manner.
Here’s what you might notice as you lean into a more secure conflict style:
- You feel more confident addressing disagreements without fear of escalation or disconnection.
- You’re able to stay calm and empathetic, even when the conversation is challenging.
- Instead of avoiding conflict, you engage with curiosity and seek solutions that work for everyone involved.
- You develop the ability to express your needs clearly and assertively, without guilt or fear of rejection.
- You’re better able to listen to and validate the other person’s perspective, even when it differs from your own.
- You can navigate moments of tension without resorting to defensive, combative, or permissive behaviors.
- You build trust in your relationships by showing consistency, respect, and a willingness to collaborate.
- You strengthen your emotional resilience, knowing that conflict can be resolved without jeopardizing the relationship.
- You create an environment where both you and your loved ones feel seen, heard, and valued.
By practicing secure conflict resolution, you transform not just the way you handle conflict but the overall quality of your relationships.
The work isn’t about avoiding conflict but learning to approach it with compassion, clarity, and connection. And discovering how much stronger your bonds can become as a result.
Rooting for You,
Tori
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